Friday, January 22, 2010

It's a Mother-Effin' Walk Off!

Dear Los Angeles,

I'm really getting pretty sick of this rain, so go ahead and quit it. Thanks. Also, I'd like it if we could sort of corral all the really crazy homeless people and put 'em in one place; that'd be just delightful. I'm totally fine with the regular-level crazies staying where they are, my nervousness is relegated only to those crazies who look like they might spontaneously start pooping in the middle of a crowded intersection, or try to murder me. I really get very uncomfortable when someone is shouting very vehemently at the air and I'm trapped in my car having to watch the whole thing while constantly avoiding making eye contact. I know, I know, I'm too sensitive.

So, speaking of crazy people in LA, how fantastic is "The Bachelor: On the Wings of Love?" Ummmmmm....SUPER FANTASTIC! (is the right response). Monday nights have become the highlight of my week because I get to see these very pretty, seemingly normal (well not all of them seem normal - I'm looking at you Crazy Boots Michelle) women duke it out for one dude who honestly doesn't even seem that cool. I mean sure, Jake Pavelka is a pilot. That's neat. Also, he is very pretty and has abs that make me incoherent, but he's just so vanilla. I would say one out of every three things he says isn't boring. That's why I wish he'd stop blabbering on so much and let the real nutballs have their moment in the sun.

Michelle, the aforementioned #1 crazy, got kicked off last week. This wasn't a big surprise, but I'm sure the producers were devastated because she was reality TV gold. Every time she spoke to Jake one-on-one she would tell him she was only there to fall in love with him and if he didn't feel the same way, she should just leave. The girl literally packed and re-packed her suitcases three times. Finally, Jake forced her hand and told her it would probably be best if she just left. Poor Michelle was flabbergasted and even said, "I can't believe you're actually doing it." I'm sorry Michelle. Really? You REALLY can't believe he's doing it? What I can't believe is the idea that Michelle has been roaming free in the wild for the last seven years. Like, just think what she's like on the dating scene when she's not being filmed... gloriousness. God, I'd love it so so so much if somehow she got her own show. I doubt it'll happen - crazy people are a big gamble, after all - but man would it be a treat.

My number one pick right now is Ali, the advertising account manager from San Fran. I'm worried though that I only like her the most because she seems the most normal, which doesn't mean she'll win. I really get emotionally invested in these shows. Which makes it so hard when a girl I like gets the boot. I guess the good news for this season is I really don't like many of the girls.

Don't worry, I'll keep you posted on all the goings-on and let you know if I hear anything juicy!

High Five,

The Comedy Bitch

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

But Seriously Folks.

Dear Blogging Universe,

This is my first official entry, and I'd like to introduce myself. My name is Kimberly, I'm 26 years old and I'm an actress living in LA. Obviously when I say I'm an actress that of course means that I am also a waitress... Yes, it is glamorous. I do sketch, improv, and all that business. I was bitten by the comedy beast, hence the title of the blog. Sweet Jesus, isn't that clever?

Essentially I'm trying to become HOLLYWOOD'S NEXT BIG THING. That's an actual phrase used excessively in US Weekly and People, so don't judge me...

Now, on to the more important topics I'd like to cover. This blog will probably predominantly talk about pop culture (including, but not limited to: reality tv, celebs that are nuttier than squirrel poo, and fashion-y stuff). But don't be surprised to find random anecdotes and stories about my life and times in LA. Buckle up, kids!

The reason I started this blog today can be summed up in two words: HEIDI MONTAG. Now, for those of you living under a rock, or doing something more productive with your time, let me tell you a little story. This is a story about a little girl named Heidi who grew up in beautiful Crested Butte, Colorado. There she did all sorts of nature-y stuff, and decided she wanted to move to sunny California to pursue her fashion design dream. Once there, Heidi was seduced by reality television and quit her studies to pursue doing nothing and becoming famous for it. It was in this pursuit that she met her prince of darkness - Spencer Pratt. Heidi and Spencer's relationship experienced all the normal milestones of a young couple: her family repeatedly telling her they loathe him, sneaking off to Mexico for a marriage not recognized in America, her getting her first surgery - a boob job - because Spencer likes "Playboy types," yadda, yadda, yadda.

Today, though, pictures of Heidi were splashed all over the internet because she had 10 "procedures" in one day. Ostensibly, this means just one surgery (probably so that she'd only have to go be put under once - phewf! What a relief) with all the procedures happening back-to-back. Ewwwwwwwwww. Here's the really sick part... this crazy bitch is only 23!! Twenty-three years old, people. That's insane. She was a really pretty girl who because of low self-esteem or daddy issues or whatever injected poison into her face. Also, her boobs are now seriously like a DD. What?! Whyyyyyyyyyyy? Her eyebrows are stock-still and she looks like the sad frozen-faced baby of Madonna (circa now) and the Tiger Man (aka Stalking Cat). For real. If you'd like to see for yourselves, refer to the links above for pics.

So that's my two cents for today.

High Five,


aka - The Comedy Bitch