Monday, April 12, 2010

Holy Cougartown, Batman!

I don't know much about Justin Bieber. Nor should I, as he is 16 years old, and the newest tween sensation. Then he goes on freaking Jimmy Fallon with his windswept Zac Efron-y hair and plays the drums like he came out of the womb doing it. WTF? Alright teen girls of America. I wasn't drinking the Bieber-ade, but daaaaaaaamn. You gotta give credit where credit is due. And that kid is CUTE. He's like the Jonathan Taylor Thomas of 2010. And that's saying something.

Now, before you get all judgey and call me a creepy cougar, I have a few things to say.

1. I'm far too young to be a cougar at 26. If anything I'm like a mangy alley cat.
2. I'm beginning to think these boys are getting more talented and media savvy. Back in my tween heyday, it was rare if ever you saw a tween heartthrob on network TV. Clearly the PR people wised up on that front.
3. Have you seen Taylor Lautner??? Sweet Mother of God I'm pretty sure the movie "New Moon" was shot around his abs. That's not even a joke. Yeah, I saw that movie. No, I'm not proud of it. But it was like lady porn every time he came on the screen because he was ridiculously ripped and was essentially making lovey eyes at Kristin Stewart the whole movie. Good news, though, that kid is at least 18. Whewf.

And you know what? Frankly, I don't want to be judged for my teen heartthrob celebrity crushes. For God's sake, Maxim magazine has uber-creepy countdowns for girls turning 18 and nobody says anything. I remember when they did it for Mary Kate and Ashley Olson, which in hindsight is particularly disturbing...So me getting slightly googly-eyed over Taylor and Justin is just no big deal. Especially since while I think they are really cute, you throw in Johnny Depp or Leo DiCaprio and I'm out on the junior varsity. Your talent is attractive, boys, but I'll take chest hair and flossed teeth any day.

High Five.

It's All in the Timing

I had a day off today and accidentally started watching "Pride & Prejudice." I say accidentally because I have, for the most part, completely avoided the romance/romantic drama genre since breaking up with my ex about two months ago. It's just never a good road to go down. Sure, every girl loves "The Notebook," but I'm not trying to end up hyperventilating/ugly crying and questioning if I'll ever find someone who loves me enough to live in an old folks home with me when I have Alzheimer's and they're perfectly healthy. Damn you, Nicholas Sparks!

And while we're talking about dating, I'd like to go ahead and lay out for the three of you that occasionally read this what I think is important for a man to do in the process of wooing a woman.

***Actually Ask Us Out***

Now, I know there are men out there who do ask women out on dates, but I'm just not bumping into them. I definitely get asked to "come over and hang out," but that's not what I'm talking about here, people. I'm saying act like an adult, and freaking take me out to dinner. Or if you're extra creative and come up with something cool and unique to do, guess what? Bonus points! (Yes, we do keep score.) Which brings me to my next point...

***Pay for the First Date***

You must. You just must. I promise I'll do the offering of cash, but just know that if you accept the aforementioned offer you will not be heading into make-out land. Nor will you be heading into second date land.

***Hold the Door For Me***

I don't mean you have to leap out of the driver's side to get to my car door before I can get out. I mean when we walk up to your car, you open my door first. I then lean over and unlock your side, and everybody's feelin' groovy. Also, please just open every door that we walk up to. It's just the polite thing to do. I'm a LADY, for crying out loud!

***Don't Ask if You Can Kiss Me***

A good rule of thumb I like to say to guys is if you have to ask, the answer is probably no. So just go ahead and plant one on me if you feel like we're on the same page. God knows the worst that can happen is I do the old turn-face fakeout. And trust me, I won't let you get close enough in the first place if I'm not at all interested.

Those are the big ones for me. Every girl is different, but if every man in LA was following these suggestions, I'm pretty sure a lot more dudes would be getting laid.

High Five!