Do it to Me One More Time

Well shock me, shock me! The surprise of the century came earlier this week when it was revealed Jake Pavelka (aka The Bachelor from last season) and his girlfriend of ten minutes, Vienna, broke up. People magazine is in a tizzy, let me tell you. It shouldn't be news. I mean, look. Jake was clearly this awkward nerdy virgin, who fell for Vienna because she was skanking it up on the show. Given Jake's innate awkwardness, I don't think he'd ever experienced that kind of attention from the ladies, despite those abs carved from granite.

What's so glorious, is that the breakup coincides with the current (and maybe my favorite to date) season of "The Bachelorette." If you've not been watching lately, things are getting cheese-a-riffic on ABC as Ali and the remaining 10 dudes travel the globe. They spent last week in Iceland, and still MIRACULOUSLY managed to find a hot tub for everyone to get in. Granted, the hot tub was actually a lake called the Blue Lagoon, but still. It was the same effect, I assure you.

I'm feeling really torn right now about who to root for on the show. At first I hated Frank, because I thought he seemed totally fake and a little too spazzy. Also, I don't like the fact that he's a 'retail manager/screenwriter.' This to me basically screams the fact that Frank is an aspiring actor and upon completing his tenure on 'The Bachelorette' will likely follow in the footsteps of so many before him and try to make a go at becoming a professional actor. Ugh. I couldn't be more turned off by the idea. However, as the weeks have gone by, Frank does seem more charming and slightly less repulsive than he did week 1. As far as the other guys are concerned, it's crystal clear that Ali wants to do the nasty with Latin hottie Roberto, but I just don't know if I can see them ending up together. He seems kind of boring, but she's also pretty boring, so maybe they'd be perfect for one another. I'm putting my money on her ending up with Chris L. He's from Boston, loves his family, and looks like the worst kisser I've literally EVER seen on TV. Every time Ali and Chris make out, my shoulders immediately are next to my ears and I feel intensely uncomfortable. That being said, I think she likes him enough to move past it. Ick.

There are some really cute guys on the show this year, but at this point it's unrealistic to think that any of them are there for any reason besides getting their 15 minutes. I mean what normal guy wants to be on a reality show unless he's harboring fantasies of becoming famous?? I'm really sad Kasey got the boot this last week because he was a crazy tornado hurricane mess. I mean, he got a tattoo to show Ali how he wanted to "guard and protect her heart," (a phrase he probably said a combined 1,000 times on the show - WE GET IT) burst out into an a cappella song about their date, and got emotional every time he talked to anyone about how much he cared for Ali and wanted to be with her. If that's not reality gold, then I don't know what is. They say they do all these screenings in the casting sessions, but I don't think they're screening to get RID of the crazies. I think they're looking for someone cute with a good bod, who is also a stage 5 clinger. Well done, ABC. You're making my summer months so much more enjoyable.

High five!

Dios Mio!

Can I just tell you guys how super-obsessed I am with Latin music right now? It's weird, yes. A little random, but so delightful! I especially like Marc Anthony. Which is probably the Latin music equivalent of saying I think Sylvester Stallone is an amazing actor. Whatever. I don't care. The amount of shimmying that has been going on in my car whilst listening to my Latin flair summer mix tapes (which are obviously CDs) is getting a little obscene. But when I'm cruising in Chi Chi (yes, my car has a ridiculous name. Deal with it), there's just nothing better than having a sassy mix playing while I roll around town with my windows down.

Moving right along...as all five of you that read this know, I'm totally infatuated with 'The Bachelor' and 'The Bachelorette' on ABC. Well, great news! A new season of 'The Bachelorette' just started last Monday and it features Ali Fetodowsky as the new lucky single lady offered 25 hunks on a platter. Last season Ali left the show because of her job as a Junior Account Something at Facebook. There was a big dramatic scene when she left, which apparently devastated her so much she was unable to do her hair/makeup for the last rose ceremony she participated in. Seriously, guys, she looked a mess. Show some respect, Ali, you were on 'The Bachelor' for God's sake!

To start off this season we of course were given the requisite two hour season premiere where we got to meet the new bachelors vying for fame - ahem, excuse me, I meant Ali's affection - and this is going to be a lively bunch! Two guys jumped off the roof of the limo, rather than just walking out of the door. Straight out of the gate our host Chris Harrison (my friend Katie's crush...still don't get it) presents a box to the group and asks them to write down the names of anyone they feel is on the show 'for the wrong reasons.' Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight, Producers. I'm sure there are only a couple of them there for the wrong reasons. That's why this show has such a strong history of matching winning couples. Yeah, not so much. I'm positively giddy for tomorrow night, though. I think overall it's going to be a highly entertaining season, mainly because Ali is so awkward. She's a cute girl, and I see a good dose of crazy in her eyes, which is exactly what I love about this show.

High Five!

Fool Me Twice...

I watched a real shit bomb tonight, titled "It's Complicated." Now, I know what you're thinking. "Duh." And you have a point. But despite all the luke-warm and/or bad reviews, I really was rooting for this movie. I should've known it was a bad idea when I went to Blockbuster, picked up the movie and while I was checking out (by the MOST. AWKWARD. GIRL. IN. AMERICA.) I just kept thinking, "God, I hope no one I know sees me."

I love, love, love Alec Baldwin, Steve Martin, and of course Meryl Streep. But sweet Mother of God, so much of the movie was stuff I just could not relate to, like being 60, to start with. For those of you who haven't seen it - stay strong! - basically it's the story of Jane (Streep) who has been divorced from her ex (Baldwin) for ten years. He is now married to a much younger and model-y-er lady, but when the two exes meet up in NYC, they get bombed in their swanky hotel and end up boning. The story then plods on and on and on for two more hours, in which Jane waffles between hooking up with her ex and starting something with a new guy (Martin). And throughout the movie while Streep and Baldwin are rehashing their failed marriage, the phrase, "no, it was both our faults" was uttered at least 12 separate times. Barf.

And I think it bears mentioning that I feel like my retinas may have been permanently scarred by seeing Alec Baldwin almost totally nude like three times. Terrifying, really. Especially since up until now, every time I watch "30 Rock" I've been pretending that underneath those suits Alec magically still had the bod he was rocking circa "Working Girl." I mean, WOW, what a difference twenty-five years makes! I can tell you, I'm seeing the same schlubby progression with Matthew Perry, and I don't like it one little bit. Let's all take a lesson from Brad and George, gentlemen, and stay diligent with the weights.

High five.

Holy Cougartown, Batman!

I don't know much about Justin Bieber. Nor should I, as he is 16 years old, and the newest tween sensation. Then he goes on freaking Jimmy Fallon with his windswept Zac Efron-y hair and plays the drums like he came out of the womb doing it. WTF? Alright teen girls of America. I wasn't drinking the Bieber-ade, but daaaaaaaamn. You gotta give credit where credit is due. And that kid is CUTE. He's like the Jonathan Taylor Thomas of 2010. And that's saying something.

Now, before you get all judgey and call me a creepy cougar, I have a few things to say.

1. I'm far too young to be a cougar at 26. If anything I'm like a mangy alley cat.
2. I'm beginning to think these boys are getting more talented and media savvy. Back in my tween heyday, it was rare if ever you saw a tween heartthrob on network TV. Clearly the PR people wised up on that front.
3. Have you seen Taylor Lautner??? Sweet Mother of God I'm pretty sure the movie "New Moon" was shot around his abs. That's not even a joke. Yeah, I saw that movie. No, I'm not proud of it. But it was like lady porn every time he came on the screen because he was ridiculously ripped and was essentially making lovey eyes at Kristin Stewart the whole movie. Good news, though, that kid is at least 18. Whewf.

And you know what? Frankly, I don't want to be judged for my teen heartthrob celebrity crushes. For God's sake, Maxim magazine has uber-creepy countdowns for girls turning 18 and nobody says anything. I remember when they did it for Mary Kate and Ashley Olson, which in hindsight is particularly disturbing...So me getting slightly googly-eyed over Taylor and Justin is just no big deal. Especially since while I think they are really cute, you throw in Johnny Depp or Leo DiCaprio and I'm out on the junior varsity. Your talent is attractive, boys, but I'll take chest hair and flossed teeth any day.

High Five.