My blog is about anything and everything that entertains me, from my PA job to reality tv, from new movies to dating, no topic is too big or too small for The Comedy Bitch!
I don't know much about Justin Bieber. Nor should I, as he is 16 years old, and the newest tween sensation. Then he goes on freaking Jimmy Fallon with his windswept Zac Efron-y hair and plays the drums like he came out of the womb doing it. WTF? Alright teen girls of America. I wasn't drinking the Bieber-ade, but daaaaaaaamn. You gotta give credit where credit is due. And that kid is CUTE. He's like the Jonathan Taylor Thomas of 2010. And that's saying something.
Now, before you get all judgey and call me a creepy cougar, I have a few things to say.
1. I'm far too young to be a cougar at 26. If anything I'm like a mangy alley cat. 2. I'm beginning to think these boys are getting more talented and media savvy. Back in my tween heyday, it was rare if ever you saw a tween heartthrob on network TV. Clearly the PR people wised up on that front. 3. Have you seen Taylor Lautner???Sweet Mother of God I'm pretty sure the movie "New Moon" was shot around his abs. That's not even a joke. Yeah, I saw that movie. No, I'm not proud of it. But it was like lady porn every time he came on the screen because he was ridiculously ripped and was essentially making lovey eyes at Kristin Stewart the whole movie. Good news, though, that kid is at least 18. Whewf.
And you know what? Frankly, I don't want to be judged for my teen heartthrob celebrity crushes. For God's sake, Maxim magazine has uber-creepy countdowns for girls turning 18 and nobody says anything. I remember when they did it for Mary Kate and Ashley Olson, which in hindsight is particularly disturbing...So me getting slightly googly-eyed over Taylor and Justin is just no big deal. Especially since while I think they are really cute, you throw in Johnny Depp or Leo DiCaprio and I'm out on the junior varsity. Your talent is attractive, boys, but I'll take chest hair and flossed teeth any day.
I had a day off today and accidentally started watching "Pride & Prejudice." I say accidentally because I have, for the most part, completely avoided the romance/romantic drama genre since breaking up with my ex about two months ago. It's just never a good road to go down. Sure, every girl loves "The Notebook," but I'm not trying to end up hyperventilating/ugly crying and questioning if I'll ever find someone who loves me enough to live in an old folks home with me when I have Alzheimer's and they're perfectly healthy. Damn you, Nicholas Sparks!
And while we're talking about dating, I'd like to go ahead and lay out for the three of you that occasionally read this what I think is important for a man to do in the process of wooing a woman.
***Actually Ask Us Out***
Now, I know there are men out there who do ask women out on dates, but I'm just not bumping into them. I definitely get asked to "come over and hang out," but that's not what I'm talking about here, people. I'm saying act like an adult, and freaking take me out to dinner. Or if you're extra creative and come up with something cool and unique to do, guess what? Bonus points! (Yes, we do keep score.) Which brings me to my next point...
***Pay for the First Date***
You must. You just must. I promise I'll do the offering of cash, but just know that if you accept the aforementioned offer you will not be heading into make-out land. Nor will you be heading into second date land.
***Hold the Door For Me***
I don't mean you have to leap out of the driver's side to get to my car door before I can get out. I mean when we walk up to your car, you open my door first. I then lean over and unlock your side, and everybody's feelin' groovy. Also, please just open every door that we walk up to. It's just the polite thing to do. I'm a LADY, for crying out loud!
***Don't Ask if You Can Kiss Me***
A good rule of thumb I like to say to guys is if you have to ask, the answer is probably no. So just go ahead and plant one on me if you feel like we're on the same page. God knows the worst that can happen is I do the old turn-face fakeout. And trust me, I won't let you get close enough in the first place if I'm not at all interested.
Those are the big ones for me. Every girl is different, but if every man in LA was following these suggestions, I'm pretty sure a lot more dudes would be getting laid.
Wow, busy couple of weeks. Let me start off by saying, man did I call the Oscars or what??! Ok, I was waaaaaaaaay off with Best Picture, but I still haven't seen the Hurt Locker, and thus cannot give my true critique of it. I was super-psyched to see Katherine Bigelow be the first-ever woman to win Best Director, though. And my God, Sandy! That dress! That speech! You were everything I had hoped for and more. Sadly, I didn't end up being able to DVR the show. Stupid, stupid, stupid of me, I know. I was able to watch at my restaurant, though. The only down side of that was the occasional interruption from people who, ya know, wanted stuff for their meal. Ugh, RUDE. There was another down side, and that was the lack of volume. Yeah, I watched the Oscars in silence, which really doesn't suck as much as one think it might. You still get the gist, if not the exact sentiment, of what people are saying.
Moving on, I'd like to take this blog to say some things to people about dining in a restaurant. First of all, it is SOCIALLY UNACCEPTABLE (to say the least) to tip less than 15%. It's 2010, not 1975, and you tipping me 10% aint' gonna pay the bills. So let's just get that out there. Secondly, can I please just take one moment to lament the jokesters that come into my restaurant? Please and thank you. Today I had a couple at a table, who upon first glance appeared normal. This JOKESTER (and trust me, this isn't an affectionate term. When I say 'jokester' I mean a man/woman [usually old, though not always] who is constantly zinging you with bad/cheesy jokes) was a young-ish African-American man who was dressed well. His female counterpart was dressed slightly less snazzily, and I can only assume they were friends from high school or distant relatives. Basically it was an awkward duo, to say the least.
Anyway, when I first greeted the table, I say, "Hello, and Welcome. I'm Kimberly, and I'll be your server today." To which the jokester replies, "Hello Kimberly! We just got married today." He then gestures to the woman across from him. I say, "Oh, wow! Congratulations!" He says, "Yeah, we also got divorced today." At which point, his female companion laughs uproariously.
Now, call me slow or bitter, but I just don't see how on any planet that is funny. Maybe they really did just get divorced, or maybe she's secretly in love with him and thinks his particular brand of humor is funny, but seriously? Dude, I'm just trying to do my job and get through a Monday lunch. Ya heard?
Another prime example of this is a few months back when I waited on an older white couple (approximately in their 70s) when I asked the man if he wanted another iced tea. Does he just say, "sure, thanks!" No, because God knows that would just be too easy and regular. He says, "Whoa, better not! I'm driving later." And of course, his lady friend cracks up. Maybe she was drunk. I don't know. The point is, in the rest of my life I can kind of be bitchy and just ignore the jokester. But here's the problem at work: I have to pretend you're funny and laugh every single time you zing me. Couldn't we just maintain a distant/friendly relationship where occasionally I say something witty relating to food and you are just glad to have pleasant service at a restaurant? I think that would be just swell.
Also, if you could go ahead and please tip me 20% America, it would really make my day.
The Oscars are only three days away and I'm soooooo super-psyched. The Oscars are for me what the Superbowl is for most dudes. Seriously, I love everything about it. The gowns, the speeches, everything. I've been a little out of touch this awards season, though because I've been working so much. Lame, I know. I won't actually get to see the Oscars live (a real drag because my friend Mary is hosting what is sure to be a fabulous Oscar-themed cocktail party. Sigh.), but I will be DVR-ing them and watching them as soon as I get home. The following is my breakdown on the "BIG" categories.
*BEST PICTURE And the nominees are...Avatar, The Blind Side, District 9, An Education, The Hurt Locker, Inglorious Basterds, Precious, A Serious Man, Up, Up in the Air.
I'd like to start off by saying I HATE HATE HATE the fact that there are ten best picture nominees this year. I'm all about traditions when it comes to the Oscars, and this is like grandma showing up with a sassy new piercing at Christmastime. It's just wrong. I've seen all of the nominees with the exception of The Hurt Locker (still really wanna see that one), Precious (though I know it's supposed to be amazing, not sure I can get through the incestuous rape, etc), and A Serious Man (still want to see this one as well). And of the ones I've seen I really think only District 9, An Education, Avatar, and Up are Best Picture quality movies. I enjoyed Up in the Air - for God's sake you could put George Clooney in a movie that combined incessant sports references and really difficult math problems (my two least favorite things in the world) and I'd still see it - but Best Picture? Methinks not.
My pick? I'd say I think District 9 should win because the story was one of the most compelling I've seen. It's an impressive film that can make you root for the aliens that have big guns and have landed on Earth for unknown reasons. A close second would be Up for me. That movie had so much heart, and one of the most beautiful love stories I've seen. Don't even get me started on Dug the dog. Perfection.
*BEST ACTRESS And the nominees are...Sandra Bullock, Helen Mirren, Carey Mulligan, Gabourey Sidibe, and Meryl Streep.
In this category I'm rooting hard for Sandy. I can't help it, and neither can you, America! The woman is so damn likable it's absurd. She has said in interviews there's no way she'll win because she always picks the winners, and "nine times out of ten" she's right. Well, Sandy, I think this is the time you're wrong. You showed an emotional range we haven't seen before from you, and you took what could have been a very static character and turned in a very layered, elegant performance. Well done, miss. It bears mentioning that I think Meryl was AMAZING in Julie and Julia, but let's be honest, the lady is amazing in everything. If it doesn't go to Sandy, give it to Meryl.
*BEST ACTOR And the nominees are...Jeff Bridges, George Clooney, Colin Firth, Jeremy Renner, and Morgan Freeman.
This category makes it painfully obvious how much I need to see The Hurt Locker. Immediately. Anywho, I think there's only one way this category will go. And I'm looking at you, The Dude. Seriously, if you have not yet seen Crazy Heart run as fast as you can to the nearest theater and do whatever you must to see it. It's amazing. The music alone was perfect and beautiful (giving a little street cred to country music), and Jeff Bridges was Bad Blake. I think maybe the best performance in any category. I said it, I'll say it again. I love you, Mr. Bridges.
So that's my two cents. We'll see how it all shakes out on Sunday. I'm eager to see how Steve and Alec do as hosts, though I can't imagine they'll do poorly. They're both so damn funny. And in my eyes (personal life aside, because WOW) Alec Baldwin is spot on every single time. So, Academy, I'm ready to be wowed! Don't let me down.
